he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
