Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
