woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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