just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
