I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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