If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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