hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
