rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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