i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
