I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
