he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
