if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
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You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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