You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
