I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
