shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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