Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
