Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
