The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
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Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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