She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
