you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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