I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
