Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
