accomplished twins. life is a go
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
