I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
