i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
