I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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