alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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