How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
