in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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