Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My pussy is not your playground.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
