Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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