just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
