The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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