So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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