He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
