you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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