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A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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