i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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