Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
