oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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