i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Never underestimate the power of titties
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
