fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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