I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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