My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
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He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
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Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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