Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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