I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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