i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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