Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
