i love accidental penises.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
