I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
