you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
