Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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