I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I need a burrito and a hug.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
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