I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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