can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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