btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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