you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
