I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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